Al's Musings

12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree.

I'm a bird lover, so it was a thoughtful gift. I wasn't sure if I should fertilize the pear tree or put up a sign reading, “Please Do Not Feed The Pears.”

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtle doves and another partridge in a pear tree. Now I have two pear trees, which is a good thing. The doves can roost in one and the partridges in the other.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens,

two turtle doves and yet another partridge in a pear tree.

I love my wife, but she must have gotten carried away at the Bird And Pear Tree Mart.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four calling birds,

three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. I like the occasional pear as well as the next guy, but I am not willing to go on an all-pear diet.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four more calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and one more partridge in a pear tree. The French hens apparently eat only escargot. Do you know how hard it is to get escargot where I live? There is no Escargot R Us here.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me six geese a-laying,

four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a disagreeable partridge in a pear tree. I like birds. I need to keep telling myself that.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. The geese are laying eggs like leghorns paid by the egg. A single pigeon is able to produce 25 pounds of droppings a year. It's a mere amateur when compared to the collection of birds that has taken up residence in my home. It's a good thing that I subscribe to a lot of newspapers. The online editions aren't much help in this area.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a foul partridge in a pear tree. That's definitely too many swans. I have only a 10-gallon fish tank for them to go a-swimming in. I had to flood the basement to keep them happy.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and another crummy partridge in a pear tree. I have found that my photo on this column is a great cure for a constipated calling bird.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a lousy partridge in a pear tree. I don't know who those calling birds are calling, but I fear my telephone bill will come close to matching the national debt.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love (who should be committed for the good of all) gave to me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying,

four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Apparently, I had been made a member of the Partridge in a Pear Tree a Day Club.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree!

OK, my true love also gave me a bunch of drummers drumming and a plethora of pipers piping. Just the thing for the throbbing headache that the birds have given me. She gave me these lords a-leaping. I think that may have been a gift that she wanted. I really liked the ladies dancing and the maids a-milking, but my wife returned them. She also gave me a pile of golden rings—fried onion rings. They were delicious, but the geese and the swans ate most of them.

I now am the proud owner of 12 partridges in 12 pear trees, 22 turtle doves, 30 French hens, 36 calling birds, 42 geese a-laying and 42 swans a-swimming.

That's 184 birds!

I need to subscribe to more newspapers.

©Al Batt 2008